BARMAN:
“Ach, aye, that’s Tam.”
TOURIST:
“Did you say Tom?”
BARMAN:
“Naw, Tam.”
TOURIST:
“Tam, ah, I think I’ve heard of that man.”
BARMAN:
“Aye, Tam fae the Rabbie poem, he liked a dram.”
TOURIST:
“A dram? What’s that?”
BARMAN:
“A snifter, a swally, a wee drink.”
TOURIST:
“I fancy a lemonade, come to think.
So, remind me, how does this poem go?”
BARMAN:
“Well, he got drunk and headed home.
He was late and worried his wife would moan.”
TOURIST:
“Couldn’t he have called her on his phone?”
BARMAN:
“It was 1791, and that wasn’t known.”
TOURIST:
“Wasn’t her name Meg, the horse he rode?”
BARMAN:
“That’s right it was, she galloped through the mirk.”
TOURIST:
“Ah, yes, then he saw witches dancing at the church.”
BARMAN:
“Kirk.”
TOURIST:
“Kirk? As in Captain?”
BARMAN:
“No kirk as in church, it’s a Scots word.”
TOURIST:
“That’s not a word I’ve heard… How much is the lemonade?”
BARMAN:
“£1.20…thank you.”
TOURIST:
“Have you ever thought about what Tam might do?”
BARMAN:
“What if he was here now?”
TOURIST:
“Yeah, in 2022.”
BARMAN:
“Maybe he’d buy two suppers fae The Blue Lagoon. Text his wife and say,
“I’m on my way home.”
Because of course in 2022, Tam has a phone.
“Heat the plates, I’ve been to the chippy.”
“Hope the bus comes soon it’s a wee bit nippy.”
And Tam as he waits only ten minutes at the station
Wouldn’t know how lucky he was to avoid that sorry situation
– and a lifetime of nightmares.”
TOURIST:
“That version seems a bit boring though.”
BARMAN:
“Aye, it is a wee bit, I know.”
TOURIST:
“Tam grabs a chippy and rides the MEG-a-bus home”
BARMAN:
“Well, if you want more excitement, read the poem!”